Bar Jokes

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New Alcohol Warnings (Bar Jokes)
Newly issued alcohol warnings The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

Evils of Drink (Bar Jokes)
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?"

The Wager (Bar Jokes)
A man walks to the bartender and bets $100 that he can piss into a shot glass placed on the opposite end of the bar and not spill a drop. The bartender takes the bet and sets up the shot glass. The man then starts pissing all over the bar, not even close the shot glass.
The bartender starts jumping up and down, yelling "Yahoo!" Another man at the back of the bar suddenly grabs a chair and, swearing loudly, smashes it against the wall. The bartender says, "What’s with him?" The man replies, "Oh, I just bet him a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and make you happy."

Were You Drinking (Bar Jokes)
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After examining the man he says,
"Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Fake Eye (Bar Jokes)
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here — you can’t be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

How Long? (Bar Jokes)
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours,” says the conductor.
"OK,” says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?”
The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?”
"Well,” says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!”

Military Precision! (Bar Jokes)
Some ladies, who were determined to put an end to drinking in their colony, went to the house of a retired Army Officer one evening.
"When did you last have a drink?” they asked
"1945? replied the officer.
"That is very good!” remarked the ladies very happily. "So you are a teetotaler now?”
"I wouldn't call it exactly that,” replied the officer, looking at his watch. "You see it is only 2015 now.”

Half Drunk! (Bar Jokes)
A man saw his friend limping badly as he came towards him. "Yaar, how did you get this injury to your leg?”
"I did not have enough to drink,” replied the other.
"That does not make any sense! How can you hurt yourself by not having enough to drink?”
"Very simple,” replied his friend, "If I had been really and fully drunk, I would have fallen down at the shop. As I was half drunk, I tried to walk home, fell into a ditch and sprained my foot.”

25 signs you have had too much to drink (Bar Jokes)
1) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3) Job interfering with you’re drinking.
4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5) Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
9) Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is… uh…"
16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17) The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19) Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
20) Roseanne looks good.
21) Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23) Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24) "I’m as jober as a sudge."
25) The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

Mike is Dead (Bar Jokes)
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that’s terrible!"
"No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that…"
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

12 Year Old Scotch (Bar Jokes)
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn’t know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip…same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. The bartender is quite taken aback at how wrong he was.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

First Bl0W Job (Bar Jokes)
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don’t have a problem, I’m celebrating my first blow job!" The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that’s just dandy, let me get the next one!" "No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won’t wash the taste out, the 7th won’t help either!!!"

Do U drink (Bar Jokes)
"Do U drink?" Girl's father inquired of his prospective son-in-law.
Son in law: 1st tell me whether it is a question or an invitation;

3 Wishes (Bar Jokes)
Santa is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie.

It says, “I will give you three wishes.” Santa thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. Santa starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.

The genie asks about his next two wishes.

Santa says, “I want two more of these.”

Taste (Bar Jokes)
Santa walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

Santa takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!”

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. Santa takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch.

Again, same reaction from Santa. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch. Santa takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says, “Hey mishter, tashte this!”

Santa obliges…he promptly spits it out. “It tastes like piss,” Santa shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: “It ish. Now tell me how old am I ?”

Talking Time Clock (Bar Jokes)
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? How’s it work?”

“Watch this,” said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

Galat Sangati (Bar Jokes)
Wife: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.

Husband: Kya bataoon, sab galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost… 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

Late Drinking (Bar Jokes)
Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out late drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed.

Rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ....and She's ALWAYS Sound Asleep!"

Screaming in the Toilet (Bar Jokes)
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........

"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

Good and the Bad (Bar Jokes)
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother."