Blonde Jokes

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Blonde Problem (Blonde Jokes)
Why can’t blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.

What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
She went looking for the three guys.

Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
She thought her maxi pad had wings.

Birthday Roses (Blonde Jokes)
A blonde and a brunette were having lunch one day. The brunette seemed to be preoccupied with something. Trying to be a good friend, the blonde asked her what was on her mind.
The brunette replied,
"My boyfriend just got me a dozen roses for my Birthday!"
The blonde then said,
"Oh that’s good!"
"Well, not really," mused her brunette friend, "They always come with an obligation… I’ll have my legs in the air for three days now!"
Puzzled, the blonde asks,
"Oh my, that is awful… don’t you have a vase?"

Public Works Department (Blonde Jokes)
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.’

Olympic Endurance Swimmer (Blonde Jokes)
A man met a beautiful blonde woman and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, "That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and-a-half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!”
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
"No,” she said, "I was a hooker in Little Rock and I worked both sides of the Arkansas River.”

Blond Flying Helicopter (Blonde Jokes)
A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet she radioed in. "I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Lunch (Blonde Jokes)
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump  off this building.’
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too..’
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death  as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given  it to him again!’
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said,
’Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’

SHIT vs TGIF (Blonde Jokes)
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday."

Driving License (Blonde Jokes)
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?" the driver finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It’s square and it has your picture on it. "The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go…I didn’t realize you were a cop."

Once a Month (Blonde Jokes)
Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers once a month?
Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."

Three Women (Blonde Jokes)
Three women, A brunette, a redhead and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: " OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen."The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen." The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn’t taste like anyone in this building . . ."

No Facial Emotions (Blonde Jokes)
2 men and a Blonde are stranded on an island…
They come up to a tribe of locals and they are captured…
The crazy local tribe said that if they could stick 10 fruits in their butts without any facial emotions they will let them go…
If they cant the tribe will kill them…
The first guy goes and grabs 10 oranges and when he got the 5th one is his butt he starts screaming from pain and they kill him and he goes to heaven…
The next guy goes and grabs 10 grapes and when he gets to the 9th one he starts laughing histaricly so the tribe kills him and he goes to heaven…
In heaven-———————————
The first guy asks the second guy why he started laughing…
The second guy said that he looked over at the Blonde and she was holding 10 pinapples…

Brunette Question-Answers (Blonde Jokes)
Q. Why didn‘t Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo‘s butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

Q. What‘s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who‘s told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What‘s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who‘s told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What‘s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Speeding (Blonde Jokes)
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your license?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says "if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

First Visit (Blonde Jokes)
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

Message To Mom (Blonde Jokes)
A blonde went into a world wide message centre (PCO) to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $30, she exclaimed: “I don`t have any money. But I`d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother”.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect), “Anything?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, anything” the blonde promised.
“Well then, just follow me”, said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. “Come in and close the door” the man said. She did.
He then said “Now get on your knees.” She did.
“Now take down my zipper”.She did.
“Now go ahead … take it out ….” he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands … then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered “Well… go ahead”.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and, while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said…….. Hello? Ma? Can you hear me?”

Sacrifice (Blonde Jokes)
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women’s outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.

Well they talked about it for a while but no-one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.

To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.

After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she’d gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

Twins (Blonde Jokes)
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway. As he came home from work she was just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive."

The Blond Man! (Blonde Jokes)
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

We are not fishing (Blonde Jokes)
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second
blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

Blonde Blues (Blonde Jokes)
A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to Lookout Mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.

As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

She said, "no."

He unbuttoned her blouse and began fondling her breasts and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

Again she said, "no".

As more and more of her clothing came off he became really hot and excited. Once again he asked her "Would you like to get in the back seat?"

And again she said, "no".

Frustrated he asked "Why not?"

To which she replied "I want to stay in the front seat with you."