Computer Jokes

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Hi-Tech Products (Computer Jokes)
Bill Gates, Andrew Grove from Intel and Jerry Sanders from AMD are having a conference. Suddenly Bill Gates starts to talk to his watch�c Grove and Sanders are surprised. "Thats the new telephone feature from Microsoft at Work it comes with Windows96�� describes Bill Gates. Five minutes later Andy Groves interrupts the conference. "Sorry, it�fs a call" and starts to talk very silent. "That�fs the newest Intel-Product. A satellite-telephone in my tooth."Just a few seconds lets out a loud fart: "Give me some paper ! I�fm receiving a fax!

Old Pentium Machine (Computer Jokes)
Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table
and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (The woodcutter and the Axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.

The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “Is this your computer?” Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said “No, not at all!!”

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.”

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?”

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!”. So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium machine!!

Bill Gate and the Genie (Computer Jokes)
Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.

He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.”

Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East.

The Genie replies, “I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?”

Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us.

The Genie says, Let me see that map again.

Types of Woman (Computer Jokes)
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.

CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Bill Gates in Hell (Computer Jokes)
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”

3 Wishes (Computer Jokes)
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

Support (Computer Jokes)
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question.

The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

What a Day (Computer Jokes)
Dear God:

Yesterday was an awful day for me...

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was adopted,

My Dad told me he's gay,

My boss told me I was laid off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

The User's Prayer (Computer Jokes)
Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my computer from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!

Error Messages (Computer Jokes)
Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:

* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss. Guess which has occurred?

Microsoft Cars (Computer Jokes)
Question: Why can't MICROSOFT built any cars?

Answer: Cause when an accident happens the airbag always asks: "Are you sure?"

Fixing broken computers (Computer Jokes)
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Mystery Adventure Game (Computer Jokes)
This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."

"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"

Microsoft Making Condoms (Computer Jokes)
First man: You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms.

Second man: That gives a whole new meaning to the words, “General Protection Fault.”

Flat Tire Problem (Computer Jokes)
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

Programmer in Sea (Computer Jokes)
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

Technical Support (Computer Jokes)
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

***

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7 .

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Is Windows a Virus (Computer Jokes)
Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Crazy Software Engineer (Computer Jokes)
A conversation between a software engineer and his wife.

Husband (Returning late from work): Good evening dear, I’m now logged in.
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found…
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers, or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters…
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless.
Husband: It’s by Default.
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use…Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus.

The Smart Watch (Computer Jokes)
A airport fancy smart traveler was carrying two heavy suitcases in the terminal. A fellow passerby approached him and asked him what time it was. The fancy traveler bends down, rest his two heavy suitcases on the floor and looks at his watch. He pushes a tiny button and a beautiful woman's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary gives him the time instantly and that too with an attractive smile!

The passerby was highly impressed!

He inquires. "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the traveler explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new chip with processor speed of 12 Gigs.

The passerby is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the traveler. They agreed on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The traveler takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The passerby now the new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

The smart traveler stops, and replies, "No, they are yours now, " then smiles cunningly and adds, "They are the addtional hardware and modems you need for your new watch. The one you just bought, enjoy!"