Funny Jokes

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Tips to reduce weight (Funny Jokes)
Tips to reduce weight…
First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
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Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!

The heights of Bad Luck (Funny Jokes)
The heights of Bad Luck
A boy and girl met last time for their break up…
Girl’s father caught them.
Now they are married couple

Two Wishes (Funny Jokes)
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It’s brilliant!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’

The Verdict (Funny Jokes)
After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the verdict and hugged each other as they shouted expressions of gratitude.
The man's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face, turned to his attorney and asked, "Well, does that mean I can keep the money or do I have to give it back?"

What's in the Bags (Funny Jokes)
A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What’s in the bags?"
The fellow says, "Sand!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects… only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated…
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results… nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn’t show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won’t say anything what were you smuggling?"
The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Endangered Species (Funny Jokes)
One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.
The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.
In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle, he may not find any more food for many days.
"I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!"
To everyone’s amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle nor ever plan on it. But I’d like to know: What did it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl (Both are Endangered Species)."

Deduction (Funny Jokes)
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. Upon the third night they had gone to bed, something new had happened. As they were lying there looking up at the sky, Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Just One Wish (Funny Jokes)
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

Smart Parakeet (Funny Jokes)
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Moses is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Moses is watching you."
This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot said, "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all."
The burglar asked, thinking to himself this must be a weird parrot, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?"
"Aaron."
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot ‘Aaron’?"
The bird answered, "The same folks who would name a Rottweiler ‘Moses’."

Adam’s Political Affiliation (Funny Jokes)
Teacher: "Who were the first human beings?"
Christian Student: "Adam and Eve."
Teacher: "And what political philosophy do you think they had?"
Student: "Communist, of course."
Teacher: "And how do you know that they were Communist?"
Student: "Easy, they had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear, and only one apple between them, yet they still called it paradise!"

Fishing Licence (Funny Jokes)
One day two men were fishing, when a Game Warden slipped up on them and asked to see their fishing licences.
One of the men took off running. So the warden started chasing him. He ran after the man up and down the side of the river, thru the swamp, up the side of a mountain, the man swam across the river with the warden right behind him. Then he swam back across the river with the warden still right behind him.
Finaly after about three miles of chasing the game warden caught up with the man, bleeding and out of breath the warden asked to see his fishing licence. The man said, "Oh, that’s what you wanted," reached in his pocket and pulled out his licence and handed it to the warden.
The warden asked why did you run? The man just looked at the warden and smiled and said: ‘Oh, I thought you wanted my friend’s licence, he doesn’t have one!’

If you had to arrest ur mother (Funny Jokes)
Young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."

Men (Funny Jokes)
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.

Boy or a Girl (Funny Jokes)
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Uncle Rusty (Funny Jokes)
Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his work shop. That is ofcourse until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they past. Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn‘t take it any more.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I‘ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash cans.
After two days, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession‘s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I‘ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A couple of days later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said "Look, my Social Security check just
isn‘t stretching as far with the expenses. So I‘m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay?"
"What?! Just a crummy quarter?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we‘re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you‘re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

One Kiss (Funny Jokes)
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Report Card (Funny Jokes)
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Give Up My Seat (Funny Jokes)
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

What happened to your ears (Funny Jokes)
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"

My Intelligence (Funny Jokes)
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’