Medical Jokes

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Certificate (Medical Jokes)
Doctor: Please take your seat sir. what is your problem??
Patient: Hello Doctor please can you give me your certificate?
Doctor: Why?
Patient: I took 2 weeks leave in my office. They asked me to get an "Doctor Certificate".

How They Make Latex Gloves (Medical Jokes)
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don’t," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there’s a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn’t crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What’s so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Do Not Blame God (Medical Jokes)
You can’t blame God for everything.
God made Michael Jackson a handsome black boy.
Plastic surgeons turned him into a hideous white woman.

I am a moth (Medical Jokes)
A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, "I need your help, doctor. I think I’m a moth.”
The doctor says, "You don’t need a doctor. You need a psychiatrist.”
The man says, "I know. But your light was on.”

Operation a Complete Success (Medical Jokes)
After an operation the doctor came into the patent’s room to explain to the still groggy man that the operation to amputate his leg had been a complete success.
"The operation went quickly, the stitching went fine and you show signs of a quick recovery from the operation. You’ll be able to pick out a prosthetic leg as soon we have completed your second operation."
The patient looked very puzzled and asked, "What second operation?"
The doctor replied, "This operation we accidentally removed the wrong leg."

Mount Sainai Hospital (Medical Jokes)
A woman called Mount Sainai Hospital. She said "Mount Sainai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don’t want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other line said "Would you hold the line please, that’s a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said: "Yes, darling! I’d like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

He said "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg — Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o’clock."

The woman said "Oh, thank you! That’s wonderful! She’s going home at twelve o’clock! I’m so happy to hear that. That’s wonderful news."

The guy on the other end says: "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family members."

She said, "Close family member? I’m Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn’t tell me anything."

Spelling (Medical Jokes)
One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated discussion. "I say it’s spelled ‘W-H-O-O-M’," said the first Indian doctor.
"No, it is ‘W-H-O-M-B’," said the other Indian doctor.
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled ‘W-O-M-B’."
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. Besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."

In love with a proctologist (Medical Jokes)
A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the proctologist’s office and says that he has an obstruction.
So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy’s ass but can’t find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn’t believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy’s ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!" the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you’re in pain. There are two dozen roses shoved up your ass."
The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card!"

Very Busy Doctor (Medical Jokes)
A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.
Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. "Yes, that’s right. The fee is $200. Yes, I’ll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I’m a very busy man."
He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"
"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."

3 Days a Week (Medical Jokes)
A woman goes to the doctor to get some medication for her elderly husband. She’s given some pills and is told that he should take two every Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday and skip the remaining days in the week. A month later the woman returns to the doctor to tell that her husband has died of a heart attack. ‘I don’t understand it,’ says the doctor. ‘His heart hasn’t bothered him before. I hope it wasn’t a side effect of the medication.’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the wife. ‘The pills did him good, it was the skipping that killed him.’

Any Side Effects (Medical Jokes)
Since I’m not keen on taking pills, when my doctor gave me a prescription to lower my blood pressure, I asked him if there were any side effects.
"Yes,” he said. "Longevity.”

How is your son (Medical Jokes)
First mother: "How's your son getting on at medical school?”
Second mother: "I don’t know, I can’t read his letters.”

Only 3 Weeks (Medical Jokes)
Doctor : "I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live"
Patient : "Then I’ll take two weeks before Diwali and and the week between Christmas and New Year’s."

No Orange Juice (Medical Jokes)
Due to a mix-up in Urology, orange juice will not be in hospital menu this morning.

Stick Your Tongue Out (Medical Jokes)
Doctor to patient: ‘Don’t forget to stick your tongue out when the nurse comes.’
Patient: ‘Why?’
Doctor: ‘I don’t like her’

Remedy (Medical Jokes)
An old man was having some stomach problems so his doctor told him to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of the week the old man returns and said he was feeling much worse. ‘Really?’ said the doctor. ‘And did you drink the salt water one hour before breakfast each day?’ ‘No,’ replied the old man. ‘I could only drink it for 20 minutes.’

You are Pregnant (Medical Jokes)
A doctor is walking down a hospital ward when he hears a shriek and hears a nun running out of another doctor’s office. Curious, he steps in to find out what’s going on. ‘Oh, I just told that nun she’s pregnant,’ says the second doctor. ‘My God, is she?’ asks the first doctor. ‘Of course not,’ says the second doctor. ‘But it cured her hiccups.’

Rubber Gloves (Medical Jokes)
A surgical patient wakes up after an operation and is told that he’s got to be opened up again. It seems that the surgical team has left a pair of rubber gloves inside him. The patient says, ‘Couldn’t I just pay for them?’

Examinations (Medical Jokes)
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo an operation. She’s laid into a trolley and wheeled into the corridor. The nurse leaves her outside the operating theater and goes to tell the surgeon she’s ready. A young man in a white coat comes over, lifts up the girl’s sheet and examines her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examination. Then a third man comes over and lifts the sheet. The girl loses her temper, ‘Are these examinations strictly necessary?’ she complains. ‘I’ve no idea,’ replies the man. ‘We’re just here to paint the ceiling.’

Psychiatric Hotline (Medical Jokes)
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.