Office Jokes

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See The Guts! (Office Jokes)
On a ship, the Project managers of three different companies belonging to 3 different nations were traveling with their Trainee guys.

They started an argument on whose Trainee engineer had more guts. The American PM called for one of his man and told him to jump off and take a round swimming around the moving ship.

The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, “See the guts!”

Now the German PM called out for one of his man and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship.

The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, “See the guts!”

Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds.

The Trainee promptly replied, ” Why the hell should I ???”

The PM proudly said, “See the guts!”

Signalman Job (Office Jokes)
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Disappointed Salesman (Office Jokes)
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting.

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place”

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”

Hot Shot (Office Jokes)
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Smart Dogs (Office Jokes)
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,”Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still.he called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker’ compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was brilliant!

SAINT or ... (Office Jokes)
Long back,
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called “SAINTS”

But now they are called….
….
….
..
..
..
.



.
.
.

“IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals”

You and Boss (Office Jokes)
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ’s because he’s overworked.

Who are you (Office Jokes)
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded: “You fool; you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?

“No” replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.

“Thank God!” replied the trainee and kept the phone down…..

Government Employee (Office Jokes)
A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

“I’d love an ice-cold beer right now,” he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next, the man said, “I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.”

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

“Oh, man this is the life,” the guy thought. “I wish I never had to work again.”

And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!

Secret of Success (Office Jokes)
A very successful partner in a big firm had a peculiar habit. He would go to his desk everyday, open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. This continued for many days.

His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity.

Then, one day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break.

They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside - it said - “Left is debit and right is credit.”

Job Application (Office Jokes)
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Mcdonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

Name: John Flower

Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Desired position: Company’s president or vice president. But seriously, whatever available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

Education: yes.

Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.

Salary: Less than I’m worth.

Complete and Finish (Office Jokes)
A man went to face an interviewer. Board of Directors asked him, “Tell the difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISH”.

The man replied, I am clarifying with the example, “When u marry a right person you are “Complete” and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finish”.

Salary Increment (Office Jokes)
One employee told his boss, “Sir, Increase my salary, I got married recently.”

The boss replied, “The Company cannot compensate for the accidents happened outside of the company.”

Fax Machine Problem (Office Jokes)
Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”

Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”

Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”

Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

Salary Theorem (Office Jokes)
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

Mechanical and Civil Engineers (Office Jokes)
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Engineer (Office Jokes)
Once an electronics engineer wife was pregnant and delivered a baby, but due to work the husband was in a camp.

The doctors phoned him to give the news, when the doctor called the Engineer and said he had a baby, the engineer asked whether it was a transmitter or a receiver!

Coca Cola Classics (Office Jokes)
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fanting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

Good Salesman (Office Jokes)
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Marketting Lessons (Office Jokes)
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.