Political Jokes

Hide More Political Jokes -

Reversal of Roles (Political Jokes)
Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently, Barbara returned to Kuwait and observed that the MEN now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the Kuwaiti women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," Barbara said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz (Political Jokes)
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

Presidential Policy (Political Jokes)
The President was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

To the blonde he said "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."

To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000."

When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised my taxes, and can get your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"

Bush vs. Osama (Political Jokes)
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

George Bush (Political Jokes)
Wondering how his popularity was among the children, the American president, George Bush visits a school. After explaining a little bit of the governmental platform, he asks the kids if they had any questions.

Bob raises his hand and says:
I have 3 questions for you...
1) How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons?
3) Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in the world's history?

At this very moment the bell rings and all the kids run out of the classroom.

After the break, Bush tells the kids to feel free to ask him more questions and this time Joey raises his hand and says: I have 5 questions for you...

1) How did you manage to win in the elections, even though you had less votes?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons?
3) Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in the world's history?
4) Why did the bell sound 20 minutes earlier today?
5) Where's Bob?

Best Type of Surgical Patients (Political Jokes)
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers ... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Best and Worst Decision (Political Jokes)
Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency."

Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision." "

How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer. Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason." "That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."

Technology (Political Jokes)
At a summit meeting (during Zail Singhs presidency) Indira Gandhi, Ronald Reagan and Helmut Kohl were talking among themselves and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

Reagan: In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms, so we attached artificial arms on him. Now that he is grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medalist at that.

Kohl: Thats nothing to that we have done. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs, so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time marathon gold medalist in the Olympics.

Indira Gandhi: Is that all you have - just gold medalists? In Punjab, we had a baby boy born without a head. We attached a coconut and put a turban on it so that people wouldn't know. Now he is president of India.

Washington, Nixon and Clinton (Political Jokes)
Q:) What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

A:) Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton didn't know the difference.

Vegetarian??? (Political Jokes)
Laloo was going to somewhere through plane.
Air hostess asks him "Are you a vegetarian??

He replied "nahi hum to parliamentarian hai."
Air hostess again asked "nahi sir, mera matlab hai, Aap shakahari hai ya masahari???"

Laloo boola "na to hum shakahari hun na hum masahari hum to behari hun."

Preparing for MBA (Political Jokes)
Zailsingh decided to write the MBA exam.

He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was
reading, Rajiv came home.

Rajiv: Jailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv : Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house ?
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically , there will be water in it.
Zail : YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically. Someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.

Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: so, Logically, your are married.
Zail: YES.

Rajiv : SO, that means U are a heterosexual.
Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.

Zail: How is your MBA preparation?
Buta : Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail : Oh, logic is easy.

Buta : Please, give me an example.
Zail : Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta : NO, I don't.
Zail : Saala HOMO....

In 5 Months Only (Political Jokes)
Laloo prasad yadav was working on a puzzle to assemble. After many trials he could assemble them and shoted in happiness, his inlaw came and asked why he was happy. Laloo said he assembled the puzzle successfully in 5 months only.

On this sadhu admitted it was too late to solve a small puzzle like this in 5 months.

Laloo in anger showed him the cover and said, "Idiot! see It's printed that It's for 3 to 6 years."!!

Election Campaigh (Political Jokes)
During the election campaign for the election of the American President, a campaigner from the Bush camp happened to meet his counterpart from the Gore camp.

A conversation started, and expectedly, each began to boast of his methods of campaigning. 'Whenever we sit in a cab,' said the Bush supporter, 'we give a few extra cents to the cabbie and ask him to vote for Bush.'

Not to be outwitted, the Gore campaigners replied, 'Whenever we take a ride in a cab, we pay a few cents less to the cabbie, and then ask him to vote for Bush!'

Who Survive (Political Jokes)
Q: Once there were Jayalalitha, Mamta Banerjee, Laloo Yadav and Jaya Jaitley, Bangaroo Laxman in a ship. Suddenly the ship starts sinking. Can you guess who survives?

A: Our Country! India.

God Gift (Political Jokes)
Sometime after independence four great leaders of the country - Mahatma Gandhi, Subhash Chandra, Lal Bahadur Shastri and Jawaharlal Nehru went to heaven.

God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children he had during his time on earth. He replied saying he had three! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave Shastri a Mercedes!

Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question. When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.

Jawaharlal is next and on replying that he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.

Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot. They ask why God hadnt given him anything. Gandhiji replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was the father of the nation!"

NASA Mission to Mars (Political Jokes)
To send a person on Mars, NASA selects 3 persons for an interview.

The first one, an American doctor comes and is asked how much money he would take to go to Mars. He answers,"I'll take 1 million dollars and donate them to my university". He is discarded.

The second one, a Russian engineer answers to the same question, "I'll take 2 million dollars. I'll donate one million to my university and the remaining to my family."

The third, an Indian politician answers, "I'll take 3 million. I'll give one to you, I'll take one for myself and the remaining one million, we'll give to that
silly doc and send him!"

The President Must Die (Political Jokes)
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TODAY!"

The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well, Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Sir...it's Hillary's handwriting."

Clinton and the Pope (Political Jokes)
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down and they stop to chat.

Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
Clinton: "No problem."

Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven."
Clinton: "Why's that?"

Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Clinton: "You're a day late"

Choice (Political Jokes)
Jerry Falwell, a religious man, was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

Bill Clinton Driving (Political Jokes)
One day Bill Clinton is riding in his Limousine and he said to the driver, "You know, I used to love driving very much when I was young, and I haven't done it for a long time.

Why don't you let me drive for once." The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the president." So the driver pulls over and they change places. Bill was having fun, zooming down the freeway, dodging and overtaking cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells Bill, "Mr President, slow down a bit. You're doing over a hundred and fifty miles an hour."

Bill says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the President." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and Bill rolls down the tinted window and says: "Do you know who I am?"

The cop sees the President and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute?" Bill says, "sure" The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one very important, and I need advice on how to handle this."

They ask who, "The mayor?"

"No, much more important."

"The governor?" "more important."

"The President?" "No, even more important."

"Well, who can be more important than the President?"

"I don't know, but Bill Clinton is his chauffeur."