Sexy Jokes

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One Kiss Per Yard (Sexy Jokes)
Walking up to a departmental store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard" replied the smirking male clerk.
"That’s fine," replied the girl. "I’ll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Hell is not that bad (Sexy Jokes)
A guy finds himself in hell after dead. On his way, he meets up a demon…
Demon: Why so sad pal?
Guy:  Dude, I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not that bad. You will have a lot of fun down here. Do ya drink?
Guy: Of course, I love drinks.
Demon: Then you’ll definitely love Mondays pal. On Mondays, all we do is drink. All sorts of drinks, party…etc.
Guy: Hey, that sounds great.
Demon: Do ya Smoke?
Guy: Believe it! I can’t live without smoking.
Demon:  Alright! Then you’re gonna enjoy the Tuesdays. We give you the finest cigars & marijuana to smoke your lungs out. And who the hell cares if you get cancer – no big deal – you’re already dead, right?
Guy: Wow, that’s cool!
Demon: Do ya Gamble?
Guy: As a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Wednesday is the day you can gamble all you want. Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, whatever you want. And who cares if you’re bankrupt, you’re already Dead.
Demon: I bet you’re into drugs.
Guy: I bet you’re kidding? Who doesn’t love drugs! I’d do anything for drugs…
Demon: That’s interesting! Thursday is what we call the Drug Day. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose.
Guy: I’m Dead already.
Demon: That’s right – you’re dead & who cares!
Guy: I never thought Hell was such a great place!! You guys rock man. Well, what’s on Friday?
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uhhh  no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you’re really gonna hate Fridays pal.

A Rope and Two Knots (Sexy Jokes)
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis. "Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?" "Well, darling" he chuckles proudly, "That’s ma’rope!" She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks."Honey, those’re my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Best Contraceptive (Sexy Jokes)
Two girls:- Which is the best contraceptive?- An aspirin.- ???- Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.


Till you shone your torch (Sexy Jokes)
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies."What’s wrong with you?" The barman says. "In my car I’ve got a nymphomaniac – you couldn’t satisfy her if you were there ’til Christmas," he replies. "We’ll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park. He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman. "It’s all right officer, I’m just shagging the wife," he says. "Oh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know it was your wife" replies the cop. The barman replies -"Neither did I ’til you shone your torch!"

Its not so funny when... (Sexy Jokes)
A man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in and screams, "Oh my God!"
The husband says "I’ll go to his room and explain to him what was going on."
When the father walks in he finds his son having sex with his grandmother.
The father screams "Oh my God!!!"
"Yeah," the son replies, "It’s not so funny when it’s YOUR mother!"

Goodbye (Sexy Jokes)
A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodngiht mommy and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He’s all like I’m gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I’ve had a really bad day. She says YOU’VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!

Keep the Old Motor Running (Sexy Jokes)
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing.
How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital  for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?"
The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It’s like I’ve told you before, you got to keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
"Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black."

Looking for a Seat (Sexy Jokes)
Alright, so there are 4 gay guys in a bar looking for a seat. There is one open bar stool. What do they do? They flip it upside down and all sit!

Laugh and Cry (Sexy Jokes)
A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter. He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money. So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sittin on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money. So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears. As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry. The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger dick then he did, and the second time I proved it.

Their Hookers (Sexy Jokes)
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They’re waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money. "The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

With My Teacher (Sexy Jokes)
Kid comes home from school and his mother asks him, "How was school son?" He replies, "It wasn’t good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher." She blows up and tells him to go imediately to his room. His father gets home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?" Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn’t good." The father says well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job, well go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted. They get there the next day and get it bought. Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck? "The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck." They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn’t you wanna ride it home?" The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."

Twinkies (Sexy Jokes)
One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks what is it. His father replies,"Oh, that’s a twinkie. Son if you find anymore bring them to me and I’ll give you a quarter.The next week the little boy returned to his mother’s house with a lot of quarters. His mother asks, "Where did you get all those quarters?" The little boy answered, "Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him. But what he doesn’t know is, before I gave Daddy the twinkies, I sucked all the cream filling out.

Fine (Sexy Jokes)
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"

Faster Than Girls (Sexy Jokes)
Q. Why are guys faster than girls?
A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.

Corresponding to Profession (Sexy Jokes)
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I’m a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I’m a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I’m a lollipop salesman!"

Surprise (Sexy Jokes)
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I’m the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I’m the bus driver."

Sperm Count (Sexy Jokes)
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

99 Ohhh - 1 HeHeHe (Sexy Jokes)
One day in the convent the nuns had their morning pray session and the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hehehe.
The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hehehe.
The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hehehe 1 nun goes ohhh.

On The Chalkboard (Sexy Jokes)
One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day’s lesson.
The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”