Stupid Jokes

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Compensating Factors (Stupid Jokes)
Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.

"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."

"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."

Successful Waiter (Stupid Jokes)
The President of a big corporation decided to take the coffee break in his posh cafeteria and review the workings for a change.

The proud President wanted to impress upon an young boy waiter cleaning the tables, beckoned him with his fingure to come to him and started bragging. He asked, "Boy, how much do you make?"

The boy waiter told him his lowly income.

The big boss asked again, "Do you have any future plans, son?"

The boy nodded, "Sir, one day at a time is my life."

The big boss continued, "Listen boy and remember, when I was your age, I came from the country side as a poor no good bum. No one would employ me. I had no food, no shelter, and was a kicked out as rotten ass. And boy, look what I have today! Cars, houses, money, stocks, bonds, wealth, name recognition, mistresses. And, what do you have, tell me?"

The waiter replies humbly, "Sir, I have what you could not get, a paying Job."

Camping (Stupid Jokes)
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Good Old Days (Stupid Jokes)
Grandpa Aaron was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!

The Grandson said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"

Talking Parrot (Stupid Jokes)
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.

He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Calculation (Stupid Jokes)
A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ."

Funny Email Game (Stupid Jokes)

Think of a letter between A and W.

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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

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Keep going . . . Don't stop . . . .

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Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

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Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name

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Almost there........

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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level

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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand

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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?

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Of course not.......

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Now smack yourself in the head, get a life and quit playing stupid e-mail games!


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Don't tell the secret to others, just send them this e-mail 'n' have fun!

Personality Test (Stupid Jokes)
Whats ur personality! - chance to know about yourself

The chance to know about yourself like your character etc. without spending a money. This test was devised by a famous team of psychologists from a british university.

Here it is.....

Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle. You pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round table. In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in it.


There are:

a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e.Orange



Which fruit will u choose?


Your choice reveals about u!
























Test results : Please SCROLL DOWN














































































Here are the results..

a. if you chosen apple: that means you are a person who loves to eat apple

b. if you chosen banana: that means you are a person who loves to eat banana

c. if you chosen strawberry: that means you are a person who loves to eat strawberry

d. if you chosen peach: that means you are a person who loves to eat peach

e. if you chosen orange: that means you are a person who loves to eat orange


PS: If u r hunting for me to Kick me.....well...I am still hunting for the person who sent me this...!

Helpful Hints (Stupid Jokes)
HELPFUL HINTS (kind off, given by Hospital Staff)

Sick of reading all of those helpful hints? Here's some you can really use

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. (Now how many of us hit that button )

5. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about that toothache.

Welfare Office (Stupid Jokes)
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."

New Dictionary (Stupid Jokes)
ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.

Fnuny Fwrarods is amzanig huh? (Stupid Jokes)
Aoccdrnig to a rsaeerch at a Birsith Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmotnat tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit
pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

A Nutty Game (Stupid Jokes)
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

Price (Stupid Jokes)
A girl asked from shopkeeper that "WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS NECKLACE"

The shopkeeper said "only one kiss" The girl said pack it for me & my grandfather will pay the price.

Water in the Carburetor (Stupid Jokes)
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has ."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

The cheating accountant (Stupid Jokes)
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Tom and Eggs (Stupid Jokes)
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

It's mummy! (Stupid Jokes)
A mother and daughter were doing dishes while the father and son were watching TV in the living room.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The son turned to look at his father.

Son : It's mummy!

Father : How do you know?

Son : She didn't say anything.

The Lamp (Stupid Jokes)
A guy finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie pops out and says "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thinks and thinks and finally gives his answer:

"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "Okay, if you say so," the genie replied. And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.

Bedtime Prayer (Stupid Jokes)
A Single Woman's bedtime prayer.....




Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One Who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit when he is wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he dosen't wait 6 weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
MAssages my back & begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's itchin
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best friend.

Thank You in advance and nowI'll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it's too late.

Amen