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Adult Hindi Jokes

Lift Chahiye Kya Lift Chahiye Kya
Ek ladki sadak par akeli jaa rahi thi, pichhe se ek ladka bola : Ghar tak lift chahiye kya?
Ladki : Bhag jaa harami 3 din se lift le rahi hoon abhi tak ghar nahi pahuchi.
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Aisa Kyun Kar Rahe Ho Aisa Kyun Kar Rahe Ho
Anil road par nanga bhag raha tha.
Sunil ne usse rok kar poocha: Arre bhai aisa kyun kar rahe ho, kyun nanga bhag rahe ho, tumhe sharam nahi aati?
Anil: Kyun ki aaj tum jaldi ghar aagaye, Issi liye.
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Tansen ki Chaa Tansen ki Chaa
To bhaiyon yeh baat hai Akbar ke zamane ki.
Usne 9 chutiye paal rakhe the. Popularly known as his 9 ratans!!!
Birbal aur Tansen me bada competition raha karta tha.
Ek din gusse me aake Tansen kehta hai ki "Ab faisla ho hi jaye ki kaun zyada bada akalmand hai? Main shart lagata hoon ki main Jodha Bai ke mammey choos sakta hoon"
Birbal ki has has ke gaand me dard ho gaya. Kehta hai ki "Agar tune aisa kar diya to agle din bhari sabha mein main nangaa aaunga"
Bas fir hona kya tha lag gayi shart.
Tansen gaya bazaar ek sapere ke paas. Kehta hai ki "Bhai, mujhe ek saanp chahiye, untrained aur bina zehar ke hona chahiye".
Saanp khareed ke Tansen usko ghar pe training dena shuru karta hai. Ek aadmi ka putla banake saanp ko kehta hai "Beta Sappu uske tang pe kaat". To sappu putle ke taang pe jake das leta hai. Aise hi training karte karte sappu Tansen ka ishara dekh kar taang, haath, gala, ityadi ko dasna seekh jaata hai. Jahan bhi Tansen ishara karta, Sappu waha das leta. Training karke sappu ab taiyar ho gaya Big Day ke liye.
Ab baat aisi thi ki Akbar aur Jodha bai har subah apne bageeche me sair ke liye nikalte the. Agle din subah Tansen bhi apne sappu ke saath bageeche me ja pahuncha aur jhadiyon me chhip gaya.
Jahaan panah aur begum ko aata dekh tansen ne sappu ko phat se nikalke zameen pe chhod diya aur ishara Jodha bai ke mammon ki taraf karke bola. "Beta Sappu dikha apna kamaal ja das le rani ke Mammon ko." Sappu phat se gaya, begum ki taang par chadh ke, mansal Jangho se gujerke chut ko par kar ke seedha ja pahunchta hai mammon ke beech vali khai me vaha se plan ke mutabik seedha left turn le ke chadh jata hai top pe aur ek second mein saali ko das leta hai nipple pe!
Jodha chikhne lagi "Arey jahanpanah kuchh keriye"
Akbar to paagal ho gaya "Arre bachao koi bachao meri begum ko saanp ne das liya koi Bachao"
Tabhi Tansen nikla jhadiyon se, bhaag ke gaya aur bola "Jahan panah ek upaay hai mere paas rani sahebaan ko bachane ka. Mein agar zehar choos kar bahar nikal doon to aap gussa hokar meri gand to naahi katwa denge na.
Akbar bola "Jo bhi karna hai jaldi karo but meri begum ko bacha lo."
Phir kya tha Tansen ne phat se Jodha bai ko pakda, uske kapde fade aur mammey bahar nikal kar chhosne laga. Poore ke poore choos dale.
Birbal ne ye baat suni to uski gaand se maano Rocket guzar gaya. Man hi man sochne laga Bhenchod kal to lut gayee izzat, bhare darbaar me nang dhadang jaana padega. Usne khoob socha, baal khujlaye lekin no idea. Gaand jab khujayee to idea Lund ki tarah uchhal kar bahar aaya.
Agle din darbaar laga, Akbar ne sabke samne Tansen ki tareef ki aur kaha agar tansen me zehar choosne ki shakti nahi hoti to Jahan panah aaj randwe hote aur akele apne aap hilaa rahe hote.
Tansen on the other hand cud not wait for Birbal to make an appearance. Khushi ke maare pagal ho raha tha ye soch kar ki jab Birbal bhare darbaar me nanga hokar aayega to Akbar sharm se paani paani ho jayega, YESSS. Aur Wo birbal ke gaand pe itne hunter maarenge ki Birbal ki 7 pushte muh se hagegi.
Tabhi darbaar me hulchul machi, sabne dekha ki Birbal nanga hokar, apna lund haath me pakde, daudta hua aa raha hai. Bas phir hona kya tha Akbar gusse se laal ho gaya "Birbal ye kya gustakhi hai? Teri himmat kaise hui aise nange aane ki."
Birbal bola "Haye Jahan panah mai mar gaya mujhe saap ne kaat liya mere lund pe."
Akbar bola "Oh my god, Tansen ja choos Birbal ka lund"
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Gandpatrai….. Gandpatrai…..
A Bihari GANPAT-RAI (who really needs a job) is being interviewed by Britisher, Colonel Smith.
Col. Smith: Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat-Rai) !!
Bihari: Nahi sir, Zyada nahi!!
Col. Smith: Kya ‘zyada nahi’ bolta hai, tumhara application mein likha Hua hai Gand fat rahai.
Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga.
Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai (tum delhi me rahta hai)?
Bihari : Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idhar aao, kya ‘kabhi kabhi’ bolta hai? Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum Daily marata hai.
Bihari : Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marta honga.
The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col.Smith’s family asks him to do.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!
Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.
Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai
Ganpatrai : Hukum Sarkaar
Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)…baad mein hamaari biwi ko chodenga…aur uske baad mein hum ko chodenga.
Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai, lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.
Col.Smith: Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega.
Ganpatrai : Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumko nokri se nikaal denga.   
Ganpatrai : Theek hai sarkaar ….jo hukum. After a few days There is no one except
Col.Smith’swife at home. She is alone in her bedroom.While wearing her bra she is unable to Tie the knot behind.So……
Wife : Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?
Ganpatrai : Ji Maalkin.
Wife : Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro-tie the bra knot).
Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai Maalkin??
Wife : Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.
Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kacha kha jayenge.
Wife : Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum. Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time starts like a bull. Panic striken the wife tries to turn and shouts :
Wife : GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI !!! Ganpatrai :Memsaab…Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega hiiiiiiiiiii
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Kaam Ke Aadmi Kaam Ke Aadmi
Ek pagal nanga bazar mein ghoom raha tha
Uska wo bahot bada tha,
Ek aurat ne dekha to boli
Hamara desh tarakki kaise karega
Saare kaam ke admi to pagal hai
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