»
»
Bar Jokes

Bar Jokes

Bar Jokes or Drunken Jokes or Drunk Jokes or Alcohol Jokes are those jokes which are related to the place bar where people consume alcohol. Bar Jokes are funny presentation of a drunken person or a situation arises during or after drink. Bar jokes also concerned with the dringing habit of people. Bar jokes also covers funny stories created in the bars. These bar jokes may be a funny conversation between drunken people and bartenders or two drunked people. We have thousands of bar jokes for you, so enjoy these Jokes.

Bar Jokes
Three tests
Three tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there... He approaches the bartender and asks him "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills...

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there...

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face... Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence...

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body...

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

A Message
A Message

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper & no soap in the ladies toilet."

What time the bar opens?
What time the bar opens?

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

'It opens at noon' answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. 'What time does the bar open?' he asks.

'Same time as before... Noon.' replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered 'Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?'

The clerk then answers, 'It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.'

'No... I don't want to get in! hic! I want to get OUT!!!'

Like James
Like James

Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.

While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."

Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."

"I know," said Sean, "but I'm peeing on three of them."

Thousand miles
Thousand miles

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.

"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.

The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.

"Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

Wany to try this
Wany to try this

This guy goes into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He plops the crocodile on the barstool, taps on his snout, and as the crock opens wide, he unzips his pants and lays his tool in the crock's mouth. The old crockodile remains perfectly still, mouth open, sharp teeth in place.

The guy says to the bartender, "Brings me a drink." The bartender says, "Anything, man, but that is terrible. Please get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth. Anything man! He is gonna snap shut on you."

"Gimme another drink," says the man. "Sure," says the bartender, "Anything you say, but get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth!"

People are gathering around to watch by this time. Finally, the guy has a last drink, all on the house, and takes his tool out of the crocodile's mouth, draws it in, zips up his pants.

"Anybody else wany to try this?" he asks. A little fag at the end of the bar shouts out, "Yes-s-sh, I would, but I don't know if I could keep my mouth open that long!"

Ballerina's delight?
Ballerina's delight?

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

First Previous 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14   .  .  . 14