A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he is a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. This time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yels at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, "If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". The alien thinks about it for a second and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!" The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
Bar Jokes or Drunken Jokes or Drunk Jokes or Alcohol Jokes are those jokes which are related to the place bar where people consume alcohol. Bar Jokes are funny presentation of a drunken person or a situation arises during or after drink. Bar jokes also concerned with the dringing habit of people. Bar jokes also covers funny stories created in the bars. These bar jokes may be a funny conversation between drunken people and bartenders or two drunked people. We have thousands of bar jokes for you, so enjoy these Jokes.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his pen*s into the alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator, takes his pen*s out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth. He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head. The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his pen*s unscathed. The crowd is left in awe. The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same thing, I will give them $500." From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, "I'll do it, if you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knocking, there's no paper on this side either!"
A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys. He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost. A policeman asks what he's doing.
"I lost my keys in the park," says the drunk.
"Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?" asks the puzzled cop.
"Because," says the drunk, "that's where the light is."
Newly issued alcohol warnings The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
A man walks to the bartender and bets $100 that he can piss into a shot glass placed on the opposite end of the bar and not spill a drop. The bartender takes the bet and sets up the shot glass. The man then starts pissing all over the bar, not even close the shot glass.
The bartender starts jumping up and down, yelling "Yahoo!" Another man at the back of the bar suddenly grabs a chair and, swearing loudly, smashes it against the wall. The bartender says, "What's with him?" The man replies, "Oh, I just bet him a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and make you happy."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After examining the man he says,
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"