»
»
Bar Jokes

Bar Jokes

Bar Jokes or Drunken Jokes or Drunk Jokes or Alcohol Jokes are those jokes which are related to the place bar where people consume alcohol. Bar Jokes are funny presentation of a drunken person or a situation arises during or after drink. Bar jokes also concerned with the dringing habit of people. Bar jokes also covers funny stories created in the bars. These bar jokes may be a funny conversation between drunken people and bartenders or two drunked people. We have thousands of bar jokes for you, so enjoy these Jokes.

Bar Jokes
Drunk in the confession booth
Drunk in the confession booth

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Drunks
Drunks

These two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman. The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."

The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the ****ing buses have gone!" And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."

I am Drunked
I am Drunked

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that,
I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."


"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Drinking Twice
Drinking Twice

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Yankee, drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Brit, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit. He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

NEW Alcohol Warnings
NEW Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy!


Too Drunk
Too Drunk

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interferring with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

At a meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.....

Beer Test
Beer Test

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.-No further testing is planned.

Drinking So Fast
Drinking So Fast

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "you would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "what do you have?"

The guy says, "I have just 75 cents"




First Previous 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10   .  .  . 14 Next Last
Jokes Categories