Sexy Jokes

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought�this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return�trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?" Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

Two guys are walking on the beach. One guy says to the other Hey your son peed his name in the sand. The other guy says so whats wrong with that lots of kids do that. He said yeah your right but its in my daughter's hand writing.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

A litte boys goes to his father and asks him the difference between hypothetical and a fact.
His father tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.
The boy asks his mother and she replies "Hell yeah."
He tells his father what she says and then his father tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the principal for a million dollars.
He asks and his sister replies "Yes."
He again tells his father what the answer was.
The little boy asks "So what's the difference?"
The father replied "Hypothetically we're rich, the fact is we're just living with a couple of whores."

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache."

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Walking up to a departmental store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard" replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

A guy finds himself in hell after dead. On his way, he meets up a demon...
Demon: Why so sad pal?
Guy:� Dude, I'm in hell.
Demon:�Hell's not that bad.�You will have a lot of fun down here. Do ya drink?
Guy:�Of course,�I love drinks.
Demon:�Then you'll definitely love Mondays pal. On�Mondays, all we do is drink.�All sorts of drinks, party...etc.
Guy:�Hey, that sounds great.
Demon:�Do ya Smoke?
Guy: Believe it!�I can't live without smoking.
Demon:� Alright!�Then you're gonna enjoy the Tuesdays.�We give you the finest cigars & marijuana to smoke your lungs out. And who the hell cares if you get cancer - no big deal - you're already dead, right?
Guy:�Wow, that's cool!
Demon:�Do ya Gamble?
Guy:�As a matter of fact�I do.
Demon:�Wednesday is the day you can gamble all you want.�Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, whatever you want.�And who cares if you're bankrupt, you're already Dead.
Demon: I bet you're into drugs.
Guy:�I bet you're kidding?�Who doesn't love drugs! I'd do anything for drugs...
Demon:�That's interesting!�Thursday is what we call the Drug Day.�You can do all the drugs you want�and if ya overdose.
Guy: I'm Dead already.
Demon: That's right - you're dead & who cares!
Guy:�I never thought Hell was such a great place!! You guys rock man. Well, what's on Friday?
Demon: You gay?
Guy:�Uhhh �no.
Demon:�Ooooh�(grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays pal.