»
»
»
Our lives depend on you

Our lives depend on you

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom there. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you are really cute!"




More Sexy Jokes

Really big

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

Fly drops 6 inches

There was a fly flying over a pond in the middle of a fog. He thought, "If I dropped 6 inches, I could clear this fog and fly across the pond."

On the other side of the pond, there is a frog who thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, he'll clear that fog and I'll have breakfast."

Underneath a lily pad, there is a bass who thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly and I'll have lunch."

On the bank, there is a bear who thinks, "If the fly drops 6 inches, the frog with go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, and I'll have lunch too."

On the hill, there is a hunter who thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, the bear will go for the bass, and I'll have a clear shot at the bear."

A couple of feet behind the hunter, there is a mouse who thinks, "If the fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, the bear will go for the bass, the hunter will get his shot, and I will get the cheese off his sandwich."

Up at the barn, a cat is watching this whole affair and thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, the bear will go for the bass, the hunter will get his shot, the mouse will get the cheese, and I will get the mouse."

So the fly drops 6 inches, the frog gets his fly, the bass gets his frog, the bear gets his bass, the hunter gets his shot, the mouse gets his cheese, the cat jumps for the mouse and falls in the water.

The moral of the story is that every time a fly drops 6 inches, you're gonna get a wet pussy.

In Father's room

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh, my!" gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Show More Sexy Jokes
loading...