This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

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One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than is grandmother does.

"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v-vibrators here?"

"Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.

"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the old lady.

"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."

"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"

"Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said the young clerk.

"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"

"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."

"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?"

5 Questions

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from 60 yrs.old hooker have in common ?
A. You don't look down.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q. What is a BITCH?

I - IN

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a Bitch... SMILE... And say Thank You!!!!!!!!

Kinds of Sex

The 5 Kinds of Sex

1. The first kind is smurf sex. This happens during the honeymoon period: you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second kind is kitchen sex. This at the begining of the marriage; You'll have anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is bedroom sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bed room.

4. The fourth kind is hallway sex. This is the phase where you pass each other in the hallway an say, "Fuck you!"

5. The fifth kind of sex: courtroom sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife or husband screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

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