What time the bar opens?
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
'It opens at noon' answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. 'What time does the bar open?' he asks.
'Same time as before... Noon.' replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered 'Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?'
The clerk then answers, 'It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.'
'No... I don't want to get in! hic! I want to get OUT!!!'
More Bar Jokes
Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."
Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Sean, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.
The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.
"Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"
This guy goes into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He plops the crocodile on the barstool, taps on his snout, and as the crock opens wide, he unzips his pants and lays his tool in the crock's mouth. The old crockodile remains perfectly still, mouth open, sharp teeth in place.
The guy says to the bartender, "Brings me a drink." The bartender says, "Anything, man, but that is terrible. Please get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth. Anything man! He is gonna snap shut on you."
"Gimme another drink," says the man. "Sure," says the bartender, "Anything you say, but get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth!"
People are gathering around to watch by this time. Finally, the guy has a last drink, all on the house, and takes his tool out of the crocodile's mouth, draws it in, zips up his pants.
"Anybody else wany to try this?" he asks. A little fag at the end of the bar shouts out, "Yes-s-sh, I would, but I don't know if I could keep my mouth open that long!"