A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.

She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says, "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"

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The tattoo

There was a lady who went to the tattoo parlor and got two tattoos, one of a turkey on her inside left thigh and another on her inside right thigh.

She got home and showed her husband and he asked "Why did you get those there?"

She replied "Because you're always bitching that you never have anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Ladies Room

Why men should keep out of ladies rooms

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he paniced and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

Love, Lust and Marraige...

Love: When you take a bubble bath together.
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together.
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath.

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two.
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go.

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Disney World

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Love: Your eyes meet across a crowded room
Lust: Your tongues meet across a crowded room
Marriage: Your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

Love: You're interested in everything your partner does
Lust: You're only interested in one thing
Marraige: You're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is Stock Market

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