A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper & no soap in the ladies toilet."
More Bar Jokes
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
'It opens at noon' answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. 'What time does the bar open?' he asks.
'Same time as before... Noon.' replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered 'Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?'
The clerk then answers, 'It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.'
'No... I don't want to get in! hic! I want to get OUT!!!'
Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."
Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Sean, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.
The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.
"Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"