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The secret

The secret

Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir).

Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.

Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"

Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret....just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."

Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."

Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around."

Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."

The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.

As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.

"It's working!" he thought. But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"

Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front!"




More Sexy Jokes

Prison and the Prisoner

The new bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY!"

Beer VESSEL

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."

She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."

He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just just give you a big sloppy kiss then."

She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."

"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your pussy."

She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits. He yells, "I'll kill him!"

She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's ****ed and starts walking in his direction.

She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"

Her boy friend stops and says "Sorry babe, I can't fight with anyone who can drink that much beer."

Which Material.

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"

"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!"

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