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Sex with eyes

Sex with eyes

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."




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Female Teacher

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class one day. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled. "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment was more severe. "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bent over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asked.

"Well teacher, based on what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Expensive apples

One day, there was a man driving down this country road on his way home from work. Suddenly, he sees this sign that reads, "Apples $100/bushel."

The man pulls off to the side of the road to see the importance behind these outrageously expensive apples. The farmer at the stand explains that these apples are special because one side tastes like vanilla and the other like chocolate. Pleased by this new found fruit, the man buys a bushel and continues on his way.

Just a few miles down the road, he sees another sign that reads, "Apples $500/bushel." Outraged, the man pulls off to the fruit stand and demands to know the reasoning behind this occurrence. This farmer explains that this hybrid apple tastes like salt and pepper. The man quickly buys a bushel and again continues down the road.

Not even ten minutes later, the man spots another sign that reads, "Apples $1000/bushel."

By this point, the man is outright disgusted. He immediately demands the farmer to explain the price posted on the sign by the road. The farmer goes on to explain to the man that these are the world's only apples that taste like a pussy. The man, amazed at the revelation, claims that the farmer is lying.

To prove his integrity, the farmer offers the man a free sample. The man carefully picks an apple from the pile and takes a huge bite out of one side. Suddenly, the man spits the apple all over the ground.

"This apple tastes like shit!" exclaims the man. "Well yeah dumbass, turn it around," replies the farmer.

Hijacker Dilemma

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

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