Who's The Guy In The Picture
While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her house, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. She gives this fellow the best night of his life with great blowjobs, anal sex, titty sex, armpit sex... THE WORKS!
Finally, the fellow is completely worn out, and he reaches for a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, I don't have a boyfriend," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?!" demands the bewildered guy.
She tells him, "That was me before the operation!"
Sex and your Stars!
Sex and your Stars!
Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere. You know what you want. Intense and frequent sex. You have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthy. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.
Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you . never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave/master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.
You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both in giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting
He's the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers It slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.
Often the aggressor, you are never embarrassed by your behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one-woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.
He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favourite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to
hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.
Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvellous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervour that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. In your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favourite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!
His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed, likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it is as much travelling to a place as it is arriving.
Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets intensely responsive - and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates:Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!
Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: Never tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay only when he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.
You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.
Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pyjamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: his buttocks.
Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.
Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of a menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!
Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating gels, and
A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of .. oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.
You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't ~ mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Sagittarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes!
Sex is always an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! He will go to any lengths to please his chosen woman; and is extremely loyal. Erogenous zones: genitals and inner thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's labia and breasts and likes to have sex with a woman in peek-a-boo Panties.
Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only in staying power. Since you like to dominate you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a
screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.
Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!) Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. . Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.
A slow starter, you idealise love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favourite sex position: standing up, and in water.
Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though - a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!
Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests. Loves soft candlelight, warm fireplaces, mystery; applies romanticism in all she does. A true romantic at heart. Favourite place: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.
Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving to match his own. A master at foreplay and oral sex, you should expect several orgasms orally before he gets down to the main event. Pisces men have tremendous endurance, so be prepared. Likes sex in a chair, also standing. He likes to be submissive at times. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his
More Sexy Jokes
Who's The Guy In The Picture
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.
The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".
The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".
At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep"