WHAT'S YOUR CONDOM SIGN
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety
concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up
and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.
Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale. Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.
Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the
twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not
available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom.
Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.
Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.
Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.
Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times three?"
"How much is nine times six?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Fire truck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
More Sexy Jokes
WHAT'S YOUR CONDOM SIGN
Sex and your Stars!
Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere. You know what you want. Intense and frequent sex. You have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthy. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.
Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you . never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave/master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.
You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both in giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting
He's the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers It slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.
Often the aggressor, you are never embarrassed by your behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one-woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.
He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favourite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to
hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.
Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvellous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervour that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. In your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favourite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!
His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed, likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it is as much travelling to a place as it is arriving.
Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets intensely responsive - and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates:Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!
Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: Never tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay only when he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.
You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.
Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pyjamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: his buttocks.
Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.
Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of a menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!
Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating gels, and
A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of .. oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.
You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't ~ mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Sagittarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes!
Sex is always an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! He will go to any lengths to please his chosen woman; and is extremely loyal. Erogenous zones: genitals and inner thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's labia and breasts and likes to have sex with a woman in peek-a-boo Panties.
Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only in staying power. Since you like to dominate you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a
screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.
Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!) Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. . Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.
A slow starter, you idealise love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favourite sex position: standing up, and in water.
Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though - a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!
Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests. Loves soft candlelight, warm fireplaces, mystery; applies romanticism in all she does. A true romantic at heart. Favourite place: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.
Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving to match his own. A master at foreplay and oral sex, you should expect several orgasms orally before he gets down to the main event. Pisces men have tremendous endurance, so be prepared. Likes sex in a chair, also standing. He likes to be submissive at times. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his
Who's The Guy In The Picture
While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her house, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. She gives this fellow the best night of his life with great blowjobs, anal sex, titty sex, armpit sex... THE WORKS!
Finally, the fellow is completely worn out, and he reaches for a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, I don't have a boyfriend," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?!" demands the bewildered guy.
She tells him, "That was me before the operation!"