A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
Looking for man with these qualifications:
'Won't beat me up or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
More Marriage Jokes
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"
The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the padi field and choose the biggest paddy and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick." The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later. Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the padi field, he start to realize that the padi is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.
The teacher told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person...."
"What is marriage then?" the student asked.
The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick." The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfied, and came back to the teacher.
The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... this is marriage."
On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!