Waiting for the bus
An idiot was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read: "YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00"
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The idiot said, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it." He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard.
He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot.
Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."
More Funny Jokes
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean,? intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"