Fishing with grandpa

Fishing with grandpa

This kid and his grandfather were going fishing one day and the grandfather pulls out a cigar. At this time in the morning the bugs were really biting and so the kid asked his grandfather if he could have one. His garndfathers said, "Can you touch your ass with your dick?" The kid replied, "no." "Then no you can't", said the grandfather.

A little bit later in the day about noon Old Grandad pulls out a nice cold beer. This afternoon was particularly hot so the kid said, "hey grandad can I have one of those to cool me off?" "Can you touch your ass with your dick son?", the grandad replied "No", says the kid. "Then sorry but no", says the grandad.

After they finish fishing they stop at sheetz and ol' grandad buys some smokes and two lottery tickets. The kid asks, "Grandad can I have one of those lottery tickets?" Grandad replies, "Sure couldn't hurt."

Grandad scratches off his lottery ticket and yells, "Son of... goddamn waste of money... never win on these damn... ugh" The kid schratches off his ticket and yells in excitement that he won $10,000. Grandad says, "Thats great! $5,000 for you and $5,000 for me!" Kid asked his grandfather if he could touch his ass with his dick and the grand father replied, "Hell yeah!" Then the kid answered, "Good! Then you can go fuck yourself!"

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Two complaints

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the two cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."

Tomatoes and cucumbers

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly..."But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"


A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is.

It's Jennifer Lopez.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Jennifer is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach staring out to sea with a look of sorrow on his face.

Feeling there's something wrong, she wanders over to him and asks what is wrong.

"Jennifer. The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."

Jennifer replies, "What my darling? What is it that you need. I'll do anything."

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"


"And my trousers?"


At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK.... Can you start to walk around the island and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy."

So off they set. After half an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, running up to her and grabbing her by the shoulders he shouts, "Mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!"

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