My Birthday

My Birthday

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and.......
...there I sat on the couch.......naked.

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A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!"

The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass.

"That's funny!" He says

"Your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"

Gay Hell

After having died and gone to Hell, Joe is sitting on a rock, depressed. The Devil is passing by, sees Joe, and asks "Why are you so depressed?"

Joe's reply is, "Look, I died, I ended up in Hell, you figure it out!"

"It's not that bad here, you know." says old pointed tail. "You like to drink?"

"Well yeah, I like to get drunk now and again."

"See, every Monday is open bar, all you and drink. How about smoking, any kind of cigar or pipe or tobacco you want on Tuesdays."

"OK. Maybe. I do like a good cigar now and then."

"Good, Good. How about gambling? You like to gamble? Casino Day on wednesdays. And all the Drugs you can do on Thursdays."

"Sounds good." Joe says. "What about Fridays?"

"Well, are you gay?" questions the Devil.

"NO! I AM NOT A GAY!" shouts Joe.

The Devil shakes his head and laughs, "Your gonna HATE Fridays then."

Making Money

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

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