Too far gone for help?
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he smirked.
"Yes!", said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!", he cried. "But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said,
"There's nothing I can do...... He's in too far !!!"
Three Nuns were waiting to enter the Kingdom of Heaven after being involved in the most horrific car accident you have ever seen! On the arrival of Saint Peter the Nuns became most excited and started running for the door when St Peter said:
"You will each have to answer a question before you enter the Kingdom of Heaven"
The three Nuns, quite unsure of the official protocol of speaking to the Keeper of the gates of Heaven all looked at each other and replied "OK". Saint Peter looked at the Nuns and said.
"I will call each of you to the gates and ask you the question, which you must answer truthfully. On giving a satifactory answer you will be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven. If you lie ... then it is the fires of Eternal Damnation for you" Being God fearing people the Nuns all agreed to the conditions and the first Nun went up to the Gate.
"Sister" said Saint Peter "Have you ever touched a Mans penis"
At this the first Nun nearly fainted. She went deeply red and looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her. Looking at the Nun Saint Peter said ... "You must confess all before admittance to Heaven". Looking most dejected ... the Nun said "I have to be honest. I did once touch a mans penis with the very tip of this finger. I was curious and it looked so funny." she said holding out her right index finger.
Saint Peter smiled at the Nun and said "Sister, you will be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven once you have dipped the tip of your right index finger into the Holy Water held in the font to your left"
Practically skipping over to the font the Nun dipped her finger into the Holy water and was promptly admitted into the Kingdom of Heaven. The second Nun has been watching this and approached Saint Peter. The same question was asked of the second Nun, "Sister" said Saint Peter "Have you ever touched a mans penis"
Again, the second Nun looked horrified at being asked such a question, but offered her answer forward a little easier than the first Nun. "Saint Peter" she said "I have to admit that I once let a mans penis enter my vagina. It was before I entered the Convent and I didn't much enjoy it. In fact it was a bit of a let down."
Saint Peter smiled at the Nun and said "Sister, you will be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven once you have dipped your vagina into the Holy Water held in the font to your left" Willingly she did this and was entered (practically running) into the Kingdom of Heaven
Well, you see, the third Nun had been watching this and not feeling at all abashed she stormed up to Saint Peter and said "NOW LISTEN HERE BUSTER ... IF YOU THINK I'M GARGLING WITH HOLY WATER AFTER SHE JUST PUT HER FANNY IN IT YOU CAN THINK AGAIN".
More Sexy Jokes
Too far gone for help?
A man goes to a restaurant and orders "Chicken in a Basket."
When the food is served, he is about to start eating when the waiter returns and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer, sitting at the next table, is a regular customer here. He usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. Would you mind if I were to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you?"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. The officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat. I warn you, whatever you do to it, I'll do the same to you. You pull off one of its legs, I'll pull off one of yours. You break its wings, I'll break your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's ass, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Okay! Your turn!!"
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy manufacturer. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her ability. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take any position. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The "Tickle me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting and raving about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says "I'm sorry - I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."