Plant the Lettuce
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"
He replied the letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hide all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some police men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
More Funny Jokes
A police officer was driving his patrol car down next to a beach when he noticed a man knee deep in the water holding two red things, he wasn't sure what they were. The officer made his way down the sand to meet the man standing in the water. As he approached he noticed that the two red things were lobsters.
The officer said to the man "its illegal to be poaching for lobsters, you know".
"What are you talking about?" he said startled, "these are my pet lobsters".
"Sure they are!" replied the policeman.
"No, I'm serious. I will throw them into the waves and call them back. They will come".
"This I have to see". Chuckled the officer.
So the man launched the two lobsters back into the ocean and stood there watching them.
"I thought you said you could call those two lobsters back" said the cop.
"Lobsters?" replied the man, "what lobsters?"
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"