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Pretentious parrot!!

Pretentious parrot!!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly,"

The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly," She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly,"

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn't do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

And the bird replied, "You know."




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Plant the Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"

He replied the letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hide all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some police men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Lobsters

A police officer was driving his patrol car down next to a beach when he noticed a man knee deep in the water holding two red things, he wasn't sure what they were. The officer made his way down the sand to meet the man standing in the water. As he approached he noticed that the two red things were lobsters.

The officer said to the man "its illegal to be poaching for lobsters, you know".

"What are you talking about?" he said startled, "these are my pet lobsters".

"Sure they are!" replied the policeman.

"No, I'm serious. I will throw them into the waves and call them back. They will come".

"This I have to see". Chuckled the officer.

So the man launched the two lobsters back into the ocean and stood there watching them.

"I thought you said you could call those two lobsters back" said the cop.

"Lobsters?" replied the man, "what lobsters?"

Scared sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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