Ready, aim , fire...

Ready, aim , fire...

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

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Thumb sucking!

A girl was at her wit's end trying to stop a 4 year-old nephew, Todd, from sucking his thumb. Finally, she told him if he didn't stop, his stomach would get very big and puffy.

The following Sunday in church, there happened to be a very pregnant lady sitting in the same pew. Todd kept staring at her.

When the service was over, he pulled at her arm and whispered, "Your stomach is big and puffy... I know what you've been doing!"

Damn Yankees...

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, the Yankees fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced one last time.

The Yankees fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?

"Well", said the officer, "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

Shagged Santa!

Santa and Banta started living in different cities.

Once when Santa visits Banta's city, he phones him and asks him to come and see him at his hotel ... Room # 446.

Banta is excited and makes his way across town to see his long time friend. On reaching the hotel, all he can remember of the Room # is that it ends with a 46. He speaks to the Lobby Manager who tells him that were five floors in the hotel, and he could check all the rooms whose numbers end with 46-146,246,346 etc)

Banta goes to the first floor-- room no.146, he opens the door and sees that a couple are making love, he quickly shuts the door and runs to the second floor.

He now goes to room no. 246 and opens the door -- he gets surprised to see two gays making love.

He runs to the third floor now to room no. 346 and opens the door. As soon as he opens the door, he gets very embarassed to see two women making love.

So now he runs to the fourth floor. When he opens the door of room no. 446, he gets satisfied to see Santa sitting there, who also looks very satisfied.

Banta: "Oye aaj to kamaal ho gaya (A miracle happened today)??"

Santa: "Kee hoya bhayee (What happened)??"

Banta: "Oye main room no. bhul gaya see te main 146 vich gaya Uthhay He aur She lagay hoy see ... Udday baad main 246 gaya Uthhay He aur He lagay oye see ... Phir main 346 paunchya uthhay She aur She lagay oye see (I forgot your number and as suggested by the Lobby Manager, I started checking all of them whose number ended with 46. I entered room No. 146, and I saw he and she making love to each other. I went to Room No. 246, there I saw I saw he and he engaged in the sex act with each other. Finally, I checked up Room No. 346, there I saw she and she engaged in a compromising position)"

Santa: "Achha, chal changa oya toon panj minute pehlaan nahee aayaa (It's good, you didn't turn up five minutes earlier)."

Banta: "Kyoon (Why)?"

Santa: "Kyonke ... ithhay Me aur Me lagay hoye see (Because here, me and me were doing it)".

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