3 Dogs

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful ramp model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked, when she suddenly bent down to pick up something. She bent over and when the animal urge took over and the next thing I know- I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says,"No, my owner model brought me here just to get my nails trimmed."

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Genetic or environmental??

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, Sir," the older one replied.

"I see", said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No Sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!", told the doctor.

"I know Sir," replied the recruit. "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Ready, aim , fire...

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Thumb sucking!

A girl was at her wit's end trying to stop a 4 year-old nephew, Todd, from sucking his thumb. Finally, she told him if he didn't stop, his stomach would get very big and puffy.

The following Sunday in church, there happened to be a very pregnant lady sitting in the same pew. Todd kept staring at her.

When the service was over, he pulled at her arm and whispered, "Your stomach is big and puffy... I know what you've been doing!"

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