The stripper

The stripper

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

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Blow job?

These 2 soldiers are serving in Bosnia. The town they are in is like a ghost town, there are bombs going off everywhere and they haven't seen a living person for over a week. As they're walking through the streets one of them decides that he really has to take a shit. They see a building that doesn't look too dangerous and get down on their stomachs and crawl towards it, dodging shells as they go. The first soldier decides to keep watch while his friend takes a shit in the building. After spending an hour in the building, the soldier finally comes out with his trousers round his ankles and sweat pouring off his forehead.

His partner says to him -"Fuckin Hell! What took you so long? You were gone for an hour!!"

The soldier replies -"You wouldn't believe it! I went in there to take a shit and I saw this girl so I walked over to her and started fucking her! My God she was brilliant, I fucked her in every room, in every position I could think of, even up the arse and she didn't even flinch!"

His mate replies - "Holy Shit! Did she give you a blowjob?"

To which the soldier replies - "Erm no, I couldn t find the head..."

Weight loss?

There's this guy who is really fat. He wants to lose some weight, and he sees this ad in the paper that says "weight loss guaranteed", so he calls the number.

The receptionists asks "How much would you like to lose?"

The guy says "20 pounds." She says, "we'll send someone right over."

Ten minutes later a beautiful naked blonde shows up at his door.

He says "who the hell are you?"

She says, "I'm from the weight loss clinic. If you can catch me, you can fuck me.."

The guys says ok... he chases her all around the house, and finally catches her and fucks her, but he's ended up losing the 20 pounds from the effort.

So the next night, he calls the clinic again, and tells the lady he wants to lose 30 pounds.

Another naked woman shows up, tells him to catch her, he chases her, catches her and fucks her, after having lost 30 pounds. Finally, he calls one more time, asks to lose 40 pounds.

The receptionist says "Well.... ok."

The doorbell rings, and at his door is standing a huge gorilla with a sign around its neck.

The sign reads "If I catch YOU, I get to fuck you."

Bouncing neighbour...

Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parents room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night, the noises started again, so he goes to investigate. Quietly opening his parents bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning, Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dads stomach.

Mom thinks for a minute , then tells Jimmy, "It's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose weight."

Jimmy then replies, "I don't think it will work mom".

Mom asks Jimmy, "why not!"

"Because every morning when you leave for work, Mrs. Jones from next door comes over and blows daddy back up!"

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