Elderly Sex Life

Elderly Sex Life

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

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The Two Eskimos

Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question.

The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door."

The Mother Superior answers the door.

Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."

The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"

The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little eskimo, "I told you, you screwed a penguin!"

The stripper

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

Blow job?

These 2 soldiers are serving in Bosnia. The town they are in is like a ghost town, there are bombs going off everywhere and they haven't seen a living person for over a week. As they're walking through the streets one of them decides that he really has to take a shit. They see a building that doesn't look too dangerous and get down on their stomachs and crawl towards it, dodging shells as they go. The first soldier decides to keep watch while his friend takes a shit in the building. After spending an hour in the building, the soldier finally comes out with his trousers round his ankles and sweat pouring off his forehead.

His partner says to him -"Fuckin Hell! What took you so long? You were gone for an hour!!"

The soldier replies -"You wouldn't believe it! I went in there to take a shit and I saw this girl so I walked over to her and started fucking her! My God she was brilliant, I fucked her in every room, in every position I could think of, even up the arse and she didn't even flinch!"

His mate replies - "Holy Shit! Did she give you a blowjob?"

To which the soldier replies - "Erm no, I couldn t find the head..."

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