U haven't got

U haven't got

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock, what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

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Can't hold for a minute

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him...

Sales girl: "Can I help you, Sir?"

Young man: "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."

Sales girl: "What size do you need, Sir?"

Young man: "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."

Sales girl: "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:

"Give me a SMALL one..."

"Wait! Small won't do give me a MEDIUM one..."

"Wait! I think he needs a LARGE one."

"Shit! First give me a TISSUE."

Elderly Sex Life

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

The Two Eskimos

Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question.

The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door."

The Mother Superior answers the door.

Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."

The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"

The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little eskimo, "I told you, you screwed a penguin!"

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