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Entry to Heaven

Entry to Heaven

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven...




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Banta went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He was there, sipping his drink when Santa came up and said, "Is that you Banta?"

Banta said, "My name is Banta, but I don't think I know you."

Santa said, "Sure you do, its me, Santa. We used to work at the same office together before it closed down."

Banta said, "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good money when we were laid off. What happened?"

Santa said, "I blew it all on cars, women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you, Banta. All the best clothes and I've seen your swell car outside. How did you do it?"

Banta said, "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, Mumbai is the best place to do that. I bought a three-story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and women. On the second floor homo sex - you know, men screwing men, and on the third floor paedophile sex for those who like children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work - just me, the wife, and the kids."

Assinine aspirations!

Two asses met in a market; one ass asked the other, 'Why have you become so weak and sullen, doesn't your owner treat you well?'

The other ass replied, 'No, my owner makes me work throughout the day and does not give me any food. He is very cruel.'

The first ass said, 'Why don't you leave his house and run away?'

The other ass replied: 'No, I shall not leave his house even if he tortures me, because my owner's daughter is very pretty. Whenever she does any mistake, my owner always abuses her saying that, "One day I will get you married to this donkey", I am waiting for that day to come.'

Hair Cut

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

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