Best Friend!!

Best Friend!!

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?"
The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed"

Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?"
The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"

Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?"
The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"

Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?"
The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!!!!

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New brothel!

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $15.

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot"

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How are you doing, George?" says the parrot.

Playing Cards

Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to sleep. He decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them. Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.

Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"

Parents: "We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"

So Johnny decides to go into his grandparent's room, only to find the blankets going up-and-down.

Johnny: "Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?"

Grandpa: "Get out! We are playing cards!"

Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so decide to go and apologize.

Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.

"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"

Johnny: "I'm playing cards."

Grandpa: " But who's your partner?"

Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"

Damn it!

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.

After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

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