Telegram

A broken down young man with job of travelling made an appointment with a Psychiatrist on emergency.

On Psychiatrist's couch he started turning left and right, crying, and venting his fiasco, "Doc, I had to go make this big sale out of town on job," he narrated to the doctor, "and I sent a telegram to my wife that I would be coming home one day earlier on Thursday instead of Friday"

He continued, "And when I returned home earlier, dying to catch up with all the missed sex times with my wife, I threw off all my clothes, and went straight into my bedroom nacked screaming 'honey', and guess what, I found her in bed screwing my best friend! Not only I have been without sex all these times but the shock of my friend getting gratifying instead of me is killing me."

The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.

The solution of all mentality, the expensive doctor considered the problem with a gravity for a couple of minutes to justify his fees, then said, "You know what I think, May be she never got your telegram."




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Killing eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Little Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Little Johnny described everything to his mother.

'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.

This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen, I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.

I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Wine, Anyone?

A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off in my pants!"

Family ruins...

This guys walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is.

"Give me a beer", said the guy.

"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?

"I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.

The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.

"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before.

"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."

The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.

"God doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?", asked the bartender.

The guy said, "Yeah, my wife!"

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