A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. "Theyve stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

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The farting cuckoo clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew!

Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Are you serious?

An Irish man walks into a bar and there's a 7 foot tall Bar Tender there. The Bar Tender punches the Irish Man on the face. The Irish man falls on the floor.

He finally get up and says to the Bar Tender, "Listen Mate, was that a joke or were you serious?"

The bar tender replies, "I was serious"

"You better have been serious, cos I don't like jokes like that".

The Bar !

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs ?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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