Driving with Wife
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.
The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"
The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding."
The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles."
"SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."
Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?"
"No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"
"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!"
"Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"
Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?"
"No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
More Funny Jokes
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers. "How?"
A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed.
No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four to Hawaii?
What is a cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.