Very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
More Bar Jokes
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in
here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here,
the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here
unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks
for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as
seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You
know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you
see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for
the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says,
"Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."