A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
More Marriage Jokes
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
A man is almost about to die
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you
throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one
woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want?
The wife means: You want.
The wife says: We need.
The wife means: I want.
The wife says: It's your decision.
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious.
The wife says: Do what you want.
The wife means: You'll pay for this later.
The wife says: We need to talk.
The wife means: I need to complain.
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights.
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient.
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: I heard a noise.
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry.
The wife means: You'll be sorry.
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.