Chines Torture..!

Chines Torture..!

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition.

If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummetted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post!

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Duck a f**k

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said "Ok". They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.The boy agreed.

While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said "I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made. He said "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck."

It will never work

A little boy walks into his parents bedroom to find his mother on top of his father, umping up and down. The mother spots her son and dismounts as the boy leaves the room.

Worried about what her son has seen, the mom quickly dresses and goes to find him in his bedroom.

The son asks, "What were you doing to Daddy, Mom?" The Mom replies, "Well, you know how Dad has a big tummy?"

The boy answers, "Yes he sure does."

"Well, I have to get on it sometimes to help flatten it," explained Mom.

The boy says, "You're just wasting your time, that will never work."

The Mom is confused, "Why not, son?"

"Because whenever you go shopping, the lady across the street comes over, gets down on her knees in the bedroom, an up!"

Raped By Elephant

This guy has been raped by an Elephant and rushes to a Doctor.

The Doctor asks him to bend over so he can examine his Rear. After the examination the doctor says," man your Anus is 12 inches wide, how come. I was given to understand that Elephants have Thin Long Penis's."

"Yeah", says the man, "But he fingered me first."

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