Something Borrowed, Something Blew

Something Borrowed, Something Blew

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited?"

The groom replies, "I just had the best oral sex I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited?"

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow of my entire life."

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The New Penis Tax!

Don't Forget to Pay all of Your Taxes!

The Tax days are near, so please read the following to make certain that you have paid all of your taxes for either yourself or your husband or boyfriend.

The only thing any Government has not taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that:

40 % of the time it is hanging around unemployed.

20 % of the time it is pissed off,

30 % of the time it is hard up

10 % of the time it is in the hole.

On top of this it has two dependents and both of them are nuts! According to the income tax ammendment act 2005, your penis will be taxed
according to its size.

To determine your category, please refer to Schedule 2 of the Income Tax return Form 8 which states the following:

10 to 12 inches ------ Luxury tax -------- $ 50.00

8 to 10 inches ------- Pole tax ------------ $ 45.00

5 to 8 inches -------- Privilege Tax ------ $ 40.00

3 to 5 inches -------- Standard Tax ------ $ 30.00

Anyone under 3 inches is entitled to a refund of 20 % and special relief as a handicapped person.

Those who exceed 12 inches will be liable for Capital Gains Tax. If you have any queries, please contact the nearest Tax office.

The Great Wrestler

Tom Shultz, greatest wrestler in all of America, has never been beaten. Tom, undefeated champion of the USA, confident in his title, decides to take on the world. He goes to China, and wins. He goes to Europe, and wins.

Tom goes all over the world and remains undefeated, but for one man in Russia, that his trainer refuses to let him wrestle. Finally, his trainer gives in, and they both go to Russia. "Listen to me Tom," his trainer says in a whisper before the match, "your good, by far the best I've ever trained, but this guy has a move that no one has ever been able to get out of... the double pretzel. If you can nullify that move, you might win this match. If you don't, you're done for."

The match begins.

The two big men circle, sizing each other up. Suddenly, the Russian lunges for Tom, and catches him. Before Tom even knows what's happening, he is bent up into the double pretzel, all his limbs totally useless against the Russian giant. Tom sees his only chance; hanging before his eyes is a big, hairy, sweating nut sac.

In Tom's moment of desperation, he reaches out and bites the balls as hard as he can. Suddenly he breaks free, out of the un-stoppable double pretzel, and much to the surprise of all watching, preceded to quickly defeat the undefeatable giant Russian.

Toms trainer was there in an instant, leaning over to Tom and asking in no more than a whisper, "How did you break out of the double pretzel, that was supposed to be impossible!!' Tom, cool, calm, and collected, replies with his shoulders back, head held high, "Coach, You'd be amazed at the strength you can muster when you bite down on your own balls."

Spiritualism and Reincarnation

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.

As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?"

"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."

"Then, where are you?"

"I'm a jack the rabbit in Arizona!"

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