If at first you don't succeed...
The best thing about distant relatives...
is the distance! :-)
Money is relative:
More money, more relatives.
- Sign outside a tuition center:
Statistics are like a bikini.
What they reveal is interesting;
but what they conceal is fascinating!
- Sign at a barber's saloon:
We need your heads to run our business ;-)
- A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough... or else they never will be!
- Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.
Three newly recruited trainee police officers are having a cup of coffee in their sports club canteen. They engage in a conversation about superstition.
The seemingly older of the chaps says, "When my wife was pregnant, she read a book called 'Double Trouble' and she ended up having twins."
The second lad responds, "That's interesting -- guess what? My wife read 'The Three Musketeers' when she was pregnant, and had triplets."
The third gets up, already sweating profusely, and spurts, "Guys, I've gotta get home right now. I left my pregnant wife reading 'Ali-Baba and the Forty Thieves!'"
More Funny Jokes
If at first you don't succeed...
This lady's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler (A dog). He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under *any* circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"
To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more..."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do *not* leave children or spouses."
- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."