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Christmas Gift

Christmas Gift

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said.

"My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"




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Speeding?

Speeding? Oh yeah...watch this!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"

Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."

Officer: "The car is stolen?"

Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"

Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

Driver: "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"

Driver: "Sure. Here it is."

It was valid.

Captain: "Who's car is this?"

Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card."

The driver owned the car.

Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it."

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

Driver: "No problem."

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnĀ't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying jerk told you I was speeding, too."

After 9 years

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speakingfor two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.

Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:
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scroll down......
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......Well, guess what she said ..........
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......come on, guess what could she have
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said..............
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...........well, she said..............
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"Pardon?"

After 20 years

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they are all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They are each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guys cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. Im so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guys door. He comes out with his wife, and they have got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guys door, and he is slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

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