New Definitions

New Definitions

New Definitions

Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.

Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father :
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

More Funny Jokes

Psychological Approach

An optician was teching his son how to improve business through the use of the psychological approach.

Son, after you fit the glasses, the customer asks, 'What's the charge'?

You say, "The charge is $10" then pause and watch for the flinch. If the customer does not flinch, you add, "That's for the frames. The lenses will be another ten bucks."

Then you pause again but this time just slightly and again study the reaction. If the customer still does not flinch, you say "Each!"

Chinese Language

Chinese For Dummies

I stepped in poop: Dung On Mai Shu

Let's sleep together: Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu

An unattractive woman: Fat ho

You need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat

Approach me: Kum Hia

A great achievement of the American space program: Moon Lan Ding

There is no reason to raise your voice: Wai U Shao Ting

Serving drinks to people: Ten Ding Ba

Cleaning an automobile: Wa Shing Kah

Are you trying to save electricity: Wai So Dim

Freshmen vs. Seniors

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher".
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

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