A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
More Office Jokes
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
You know you're living in the 2010's when: -
1. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
5. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
6. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.
7. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
8. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
9. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
10. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
11. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
12. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
13. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
14. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
15. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
Here is a letter written by an HR executive to his love:
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,