Not good for health
The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.'
The boy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?'
The little boy answered, 'No, he minded his own damn business!'
More Funny Jokes
Are you the weakest link?
Below are three questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time. Answer all of them immediately and then quickly scroll down to check your responses.
Ready? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Scroll down for the first question...
First Question: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
If you answer that you are first, then you are wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
You're not very good at this are you?
Third Question: Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses most peoples brains, which always jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's).
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you!"
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that may be we're not all bad, and may be start loving people a little bit. And, if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."