BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY" -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS XP -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God.
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
One day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then shot himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be shot dead by now!"
More Sexy Jokes
bathroom graffiti # 1
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
bathroom graffiti # 2
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper
bathroom graffiti # 3
Here I sit
Tried to shit
But only farted
bathroom graffiti # 4
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
bathroom graffiti # 5
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
bathroom graffiti # 6
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Guy stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.